My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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