I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
