he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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