My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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