I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
