Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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