I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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