My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I deserve this hangover.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
