when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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