Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
