you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
