I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
