so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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