I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
