From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
