Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just googled if crying burns calories
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
