so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
