Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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