I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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