WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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