You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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