They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
