I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
