I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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