There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
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Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.