Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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