I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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