you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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