there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
