Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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