I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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