im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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