I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
