I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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