then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
