you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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