Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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