as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
