My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
