I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You smell like stripper and shame
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
