I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
