I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
