I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
