he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
