im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
