my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
