I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
