How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
