im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
