nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
