Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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