i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
