last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
