just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
