I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
