Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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