Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
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i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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